Dear Jordan
A friend of mine wrote a couple of days ago to tell me that he had sex with a girl. It wasn’t the term he used. He sanitized it a little by saying that he had gone too far with girls recently and then way to far, or all the way…
I was thinking about this and what struck me was that we know, in very general terms, that this is wrong for a hundred reasons, and if pushed, we could recite some of the reasons. But we keep the general ‘no no ness’ of the thing in the back of our minds. Back there with the other generalities of being a Christian.
For the most part, they are safe there. For most people, overt sexual opportunities do not challenge these generalities out of their hiding place. The ‘no no’s’ battle thoughts and the principle of sex, but hardly ever the physical reality of someone sitting right in front of you (or on top of you) who’s ready and willing.
When the real challenge hits us, we are often unprepared or out of practice because we are mentally and spiritually out of shape. The thing moves from mental possibility to physical temptation in a few milliseconds and as the ‘no no’ cruises through the neurons and capillaries at breakneck speed, it rushes past those 100 good reasons of why this is a bad idea as though they were blurred posters on a subway route.
Before you could reasonably articulate just one good reason why you should put the breaks on, a million other processes are kicked into their natural place. Blood flows to the extremities, emotions bounce around the heart and mind, beauty waves its amazing wand and within moments, you have broken God’s heart and each others.
The next question is why… Depression or justification ensues (Scott Peck call this either a neurotic or character disorder) and the trail begins again. The problem is that most people keep exercising all the wrong faculties and so are just as vulnerable in the future because all they walk away with, was that it was very wrong. The very thing they already knew.
So my son, the reason I am writing to you, on a film set, with a hundred very real possibilities to engage in very natural but untimely acts is this; I want you to keep exercising the right things in the right way.
1. Love. It’s not selfish. Keep loving people in the right way. Yes, this will draw them closer to you and make you even more attractive. But for your part, when you see the line getting crossed (and you will see it far before someone is ever on top of you), love them enough to clarify the line. It’s a line of respect. Of space and domain. It’s theirs, not yours and even when they want to give it up, clear communication reminds them that there is something better.
2. Value. Your soul is more valuable than the whole earth. The same for the girl right next to you. Practice the respect of this value. Practice calling out the value through detailed and thoughtful encouragement. Cherish the value in the care of your person and of those around you through servant-hood. If someone is tempted to give themselves to you prematurely, know clearly that they are sacrificing their value and willing to steal yours. Not cool and easily rejected if your value fitness is in tact.
3. Provision. God’s love for you and for those around you is great. Are you feeling it? Do they? Are you calling it down and allowing it to flow through you? If so, this is your security. This intimate provision is the stuff that keeps your space in tact because you will not be needy. If those around you are needy, you know what the real need and its fulfillment looks like.
4. Destiny. You have a future and a hope. Your sexual future in family is a wonderful thing and needs to be cherished and protected. You exercise this by dreaming it, planning for it, talking about it. Making it real through the spoken word so that when another word, or spoken challenge asks to defraud that destiny, you are already busy thank you very much.
Jordan, I know you understand these things for the most part. Having eternity in our hearts, I think everyone understands these things. I speak them out because these very foundations move from the forefront of a fit heart and mind to the back of the line in a busy world. An unloving world. A needy world.
Stay fit my son.
with love
Dad
thanks for posting this. this is a heavy subject on my heart, because someone who is close to me made decisions about sex that i don’t agree with, and justified it by saying she just wanted to be “normal,” like everyone else, and not feel guilty about it. the rest of the world does it, it’s natural, it’s part of who we are—why not do it?
as a 31-year-old virgin, i understand what it’s like to struggle with those questions, and especially to wonder whether i am just being unnecessarily weird, not having sex like “everyone else.” sometimes i wonder what the hell i’m waiting for. but then again, these doubts are all born out of that “me-focus” you were getting at in your other two posts, aren’t they?
c.s. lewis once made the point that every other natural impulse we feel, we put restraints around it: we try to restrain ourselves from being greedy, selfish, from stealing, etc. no one can get away with murder by saying, “well, it was my natural inclination.” but, he said, all these restraints get thrown out the window when the object aimed at is “four bare legs in a bed.” when it comes to sex, if it feels good, do it… it’s almost like it’s your duty do satisfy your desire, instead of to curb it and put appropriate boundaries around it.
how did we get here? it’s so discouraging.
— grackyfrogg Sep 2, 08:35 AM #
Such a beautiful letter! I wish I’d been wise enough to consult God about “why not”. It’s so beautiful to know that God says “no” to certain things in order to preserve our life. It’s true – God does not withold any good thing from us. I wish more of us would really believe this truth.
Sex is the “easy” way. It is not foundational as the world would have us believe. It does not fill any holes…..it leaves craters when pursued at the wrong time. It is much harder yet much more rewarding to pursue loving others fully without it.
We need God’s presence in our relationships. Temptations are so real and so sneaky. Without God’s grace at work, I know I’d never be able to make decisions that bring life.
— susan Sep 3, 08:33 AM #
thank you very much for taking pain and writing those lines. I thank God for loving me and helping me to know these things through you on right time. Thank you Jesus.
— albert Nov 27, 05:02 AM #